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Dear Ebby,
So, I have been dating this guy off and on for the past 10 years. We started dating in high school and ended up going our seperate ways when we left for college. Now we are both adults and done persuing our degrees and we recently reconnected on Facebook. Everything seemed to be going well at first and about six months into the new relationship things got strange. He had all kinds of women calling him at very inappropriate hours, then I would see comments that random women would make on his page and it all seemed sketchy to me. So one day, although it was an invasion of his privacy, I looked through his phone, e-mails and Facebook inbox and I found EXACTLY what I thought I would. There were naked pictures, sexually explicit conversations with women about what they did and how, and get this... One of those women was one of my best friends that we both grew up with. So my question is, how do I tell him that I know what I know without having to tell him that I invaded his privacy to do it?
Signed,
xxxxxx
Dear Xxxxxx,
First of all, you invading his privacy is now secondary to what you found. It also sounds like the question you want to ask is, "How do I confront him, but not lose the relationship?" Otherwise, you wouldn't care how he felt about you going through his stuff. And if that is the case, then why say anything at all? I have to say this though... You have to prepare yourself for the break-up because this is going to go one of two ways: 1. If you don't say anything, you'll end up being resentful and walking away anyway or 2. If you do say something he might try to turn it around on you and say he's walking away because you invaded his privacy and now it's all your fault. Either way dollface, this is over. So I would take a minute to assess the situation, gather all your facts (as in print out the e-mails and conversations and put it all in a binder and pull it out and kindly slide it over to his side of the table after he vehemently denies said infidelity). Don't confront him looking for an explanation, but confront him with the intent to let him know that you know the truth and decide what you want to do from there. I understand that it may not be that easy to walk away from someone you love, even under these circumstances. But I hope you find the strength to know and understand that you deserve more.
Love,
Ebby
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Hi Ebby, this has happened to me in the past (the boyfriend who had dirt on his page and I looked through it). In my case, he chose to turn it around on me about invading his privacy, but I knew he was caught and what he was trying to do was a cop out. Needless to say, we called it quits...eventually. It just wasn't meant to be. But I did get hurt in the process. At least I know better now, and have moved on to someone much more honest and worthy of me.
ReplyDeleteI think we all go through this at some point, and ultimately it helps us to mature and grow and to know exactly what we want and deserve vs what we don't. And you said something key... "Eventually". It's not always easy to walk away when our heart is there, and for some it takes a little longer than others. But somehow we find the strength to move forward and that's wassup! =)
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